that man


I remember the exact moment I saw him in the flesh for the very first time. He was so tall and looked sooo good in that navy double-breasted suit. I could have sworn that when he emerged, it seemed as if there was a glow he emanated–such a beauuuutiful man. (Even as I am typing this, I feel like I’m doing him a disservice because I cannot fully capture, in words, just how breathtaking that moment was for me.)

Quite a crowd had turned up (it was a Friday evening, and in Bugis no less), and I had rushed there from school. That meant I had to stand behind quite a few other fans 😦 I waited, extremely anxiously I might add, and waited. My heart had begun to race and I could not stay still. I began walking back and forth, and fidgeted nervously. I wasn’t even that nervous on the day I went to collect my A level results!

When he did finally appear, I just…I pretty much went bonkers. My mind went blank, I started screaming out “OPPA!” and I had my arms flailing in the air like I just didn’t care. HAH. Did I mention how gorgeous he was? *MELTS*

I was crazy excited the next day on my way to the fanmeeting, and for good reason. It was another chance for me to gaze lovingly at him from afar (I realize how this sounds). He sang, danced, and played a few games with the fans. The funny thing is, even if all he did was just stand on stage, I believe I still would have gone to the fanmeeting. After about nearly 3 hours, it was time to say farewell. It was a downward spiral from then on. As I left the venue, and got on the long train ride home, my mind went into overdrive. I believe I had what I would call a ‘post-ecstatic syndrome’. The fanmeeting left me on such a high that when it ended, everything just came crashing down. It felt as if someone had pushed me down a cliff.

It required me seeing you in the flesh for the first, and probably the only time in my live, before I decided I was going to stop with this crazy. Don’t be mistaken, I LOVE YOU..I loved seeing you, I love the idea of you, you’re an integral part of my life. But, as I was left reeling from the after-effects of meeting you, I made this decision. It has never hit me harder–this’ll never work. You’ll never know me the way I think I know you. You’ll never notice me the way I notice you. You’ll never love me the way I hopelessly love you. This is me acknowledging that you are, first and foremost, a person. This is me accepting that I’m never going to get enough of you. Above all, this is me letting you go; I need to protect me. I need the real people I have around me right now. I’m going to love me the way I learnt to love when I was loving you. I’m going to accept me the way I learnt to be accepting of your every flaw.


“The saddest th…

“The saddest thing in life is when I’m standing before you, but you don’t know that I love you.”

I can’t remember who said this or where I read it from, but this has stuck with me since I was in primary school (for those who know me, that is a VERY long time ago). There’s just something so heartwrenchingly sad about standing in front of a person you love, but doesn’t know it. We’ve seen people leave, thinking that there’s no love for them anywhere in this wide wide world. Those who’ve had a tough time, I want to say this to you–as long as a heart still beats, it is capable of love. Never give up on that.